A Whore by Any Other Name

I hate to shatter anyone's illusions about the Land of the Rising Sun, but not only is prostitution extremely prevalent in Japan, it also goes by really funny names.

The other day I passed a high-priced establishment cutely labeled "Pub" in pink cursive, which a friend (who spoke on condition of anonymity) pointed out was a pink-curtained Japanese club where women pour drinks and flirt with customers. This provoked a descent into the wild Japanese world of Snack Clubs, Girl Bars, and Maid Cafes that cater to men of all ages who share a crippling inability to get laid.

For a quick burst of sexual relief, your average salaryman need go no further than the local Pink Salon (pinkusaron), where girls perform fellatio for around 10,000 yen (about $100). These clubs do oral sex only; if you want to touch, grope, fondle, stroke, or ejaculate on the girls, you should check out your local Health Club (herusucurabu), which are decidedly more hands-on than their Western counterparts. Here, as long as it's not straight vaginal intercourse, a gray area in the Japanese prostitution law says it's okay.

However, the real brothels in Japan are called Soaplands (sopurando) where customers can come inside for a hot bath and some straight-up sex. The name evokes images of suburban outlet stores or some sort of lame Dove theme-park where kids can ride down slides of bubbles. Soaplands stay in business because officially they're just places where men can take a really expensive bath—any other arrangement is between you and the girls. Because naturally, whatever goes on between a man and his highly-paid female bathing masseuse is clearly motivated by love.

There is, of course, a catch: these places don't cater to foreigners. Your average gaijin gets enough tail as it is.

Happy Christmas Fair!

I'd just like to take this opportunity to wish everyone out there a Merry Christmas, and especially to all those expatriates and those who are separated from their loved ones. And to those of you in Japan, Happy Emperor's Birthday. It may not be the most festive of holidays, but it's still worth a mid-week day off. Department store sales aside, how about a little Western-style Christmas cheer?



Christmas Egg Nog

"If Ian can make it, then it must be easy!"

You will need:

- 4 egg yolks
- 5 oz of sweetened condensed milk
- 1 tablespoon white sugar
- 1 teaspoon vanilla
- 4.5 cups milk
- 4 egg whites
- Nutmeg

Beat egg yolks until smooth. Stir in condensed milk, sugar, vanilla, milk, and stir well. Beat the egg whites until stiff (or as stiff as you can by hand) and add to mixture. Serve cold, garnished with a pinch of nutmeg to taste (and rum, if desired). Makes about 1.5 quarts.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Beware the Green-Eyed Monster!

This may be the most amazing thing I have ever seen. I found it at the stationary shop in Eclan buried behind a display of small gift envelopes. The box was covered in dust and quite faded. Japanese people take Othello pretty seriously, and Toyokazu smoked me without even trying. I'm just happy to have the calender.

Fun Fact for the Day: Othello was invented in the city of Mito, in Ibaraki, Japan.

Learn Japanese with Ian!
osero/ribasi =Othello/Reversi (as it is sometimes called. Personally, I found the former to be much more dignified)

Charisma Man Walks Among Us

click for larger image

I briefly mentioned Charisma Man in an earlier post after Tom introduced me to its greatness, but found it far too brilliant to lay buried in an entry with a half dozen other links no one would bother to click on. The comic ran from about 1998 to 2005 in an old gaijin mag called The Alien (which later became Japanzine), and I'm currently on the lookout for a reasonably priced copy of the out-of-print collected series. (If any gaijin out there can help me on this quest, I'd be much obliged.)

Charisma Man is the epitome of the arrogant, self-interested, ill-qualified English teaching gaijin who flees a humdrum existence in his native country to seek fortune, respect, and lots of hot sex. Upon reaching Japan, he is transformed into a muscular hunk of pure confidence who draws scores of hot females to his side until he encounters his arch-nemesis: Western Woman.

What captured my attention most about this strip is this idea of a misfit gaijin not being able to make it in his home country, and coming to Japan as an easy way to gain power and popularity. Just like Superman on Earth, the most ordinary of Western attributes become extraordinary feats here in Japan. Guys who worked deadbeat jobs back in the West discover that their ability to speak one of the most in-demand languages in the world instantly qualifies them for a high-paying teaching position that demands instant respect from the Japanese people. Those misfits from the Western dating scene can come here and—with the help of a little confidence—win instant attention from females of all ages, sizes, and levels of English ability. The capacity to consume more than three glasses of beer, reach tall items on shelves, accomplish the simplest of home-repair tasks, wield a phallus longer than four inches, and instantly answer colloquial English questions impress people like magic. And even the simplest of Japanese language skill or chopstick handling will never fail to impress a crowd.

But this existence is all a facade. However much his newfound powers boost his ego to superhuman proportions, Western Woman proves that Charisma Man's popularity is all a sham by knocking him back to his true geek status. I see plenty of guys here using their gaijin status just to win girls, but the Charisma Man phenomenon goes deeper than that. Success in Japan for all but the truly qualified is just a lot of smoke and mirrors; most gaijin aren't doing anything that any number of Westerners couldn't do as good or better than themselves (in the classroom or the bedroom). Without real talent you are nothing; and all the colloquial-English in the world won't deliver you real success. Maybe every gaijin needs a Western Woman to hold up the mirror and show him his true form.

Still, for those who can't stand the reality of that mirror, Japan makes a great hiding place. Why face the humiliation of your pathetically-low Western job qualifications when you can make a real salary, sleep with dozens of women, and be worshiped as an eigo no sensei instead?

For more Charisma Man strips, click here or here. This article is also informative reading.

Shameless Bennington Self-Promotion

I recently had an urge to update my contact information on the Bennington Alumni website, and requested a copy of the Alumni Magazine. (Thanks, Dorothy.) Aside from one of Steven's essays on Marlene Dietrich and a few other interesting articles, the magazine was plagued by the usual shameless requests for donations disguised as inspirational banners. One article that I found equally ludicrous was a report on student house renovations, which contained some egregiously poor attempts to describe the character of each house. I'm reposting some of the most ridiculous Facts here:

Kilpatrick
Fact: The house is known for hosting several of the largest annual parties on campus.
This is a really nice way of saying that Kilpat (for only Liz Coleman and the Alumni Magazine refer to the house by its full name) had the honor of hosting the Dress to Get Laid Party, celebrating the day when Bennington upperclassmen can have sex with freshmen every October 1st, debauching the campus every St. Kilpats Day, rigging a bathroom soap dispenser to serve alcohol, and filling a kiddee pool in the common room to use as a skeezy hottub in addition to countless other infamies I'm not even aware of.

Fels
Fact: Has its own washer and dryer and one of the newest kitchens on campus.
This is the most useless fact I could possibly think of to describe a Bennington house. Is Fels really so uninteresting that it has to be described in terms of its appliances?

McCullough
Fact: According to house chairs, McCullough has a very strong house community with an emphasis on food and spontaneity. House members provide a great deal of support for one another.
A contradiction of terms, a sentence that begins with "According to..." can hardly be considered as fact. Poor editing aside, "support" in this sentence actually refers to McCullough residents lending their +10 mana counters when their housemates encounter wandering bands of orcs during Larping tournaments.

Leigh
Fact: The Bennington Free Press says of Coffee Hours at Leigh that "no one knows exactly what goes on here, but everyone wants to be a part of it."
I find this hard to believe, and am pained that this was the best they could come up with for my former residence.

Dewey
Fact: Named after John Dewey, one of the fathers of the progressive education ideals that Bennington was based on.
Dewey is such a cesspool that the writer has decided to retreat behind historical detail rather than risk disgusting everyone with an accurate description.

Finally, last and certainly least:

Wooley
Fact: Legend has it that Bob Dylan once hung out in one of the rooms of the house after he performed at Bennington.
I think you mean "fucked a girl in one of the rooms of the house," yes?

Captain Zooey Dedalus’s Cultural Portal to Japan

Picture of the Month

The gateway to the world-famous Takeda Shrine in Kofu, designated by the Japanese government as one of the 489 most important cultural shrines in all of Japan. Japanese people of all ages come here to take pictures and buy good luck charms to help them pass college entrance exams.


Greetings and Salutations, loyal followers! It is I, your ever-adventuring guide to adventurous adventures, Captain Zooey Dedalus. It is my goal to present Japanese cultural explorations that highlight the most fascinating aspects of their culture, and I hope to singlehandedly bridge that ever-widening gap between East and West through open communication and a minimum of childish name-calling. As we all know, the true calling of any social scientist is to experience as much adventure as possible no matter what the cost, and your humble narrator is no exception. In this blog I shall analyze the varied aspects of Japanese culture ranging from tea ceremony to tentacle porn for the good of all humanity and with no expectation of personal gain.


But first, I must draw your attention to this cultural anomaly I witnessed just the other day at Yamako supermarket. Though this may appear to be a typical shelf of natto and other bean products, the trained eye of the cultural anthropologist will surely notice that something is amiss. Some careless shopper, having changed his or her mind about his or her shopping itinerary, has lazily deposited a four-pack of medium eggs on this shelf instead of returning them to their proper location. And why is this act, so common in American supermarkets, so important, my devoted readers may ask? Because Japanese people will always, without exception, return an item to its original spot on the shelf after changing their minds, always. (This just happens to be the one exception.)



Last month I took a trip to Tochigi and Ibaraki prefectures, in a region of Japan occasionally referred to by locals as the Kanto (I am not sure of the meaning of this word, but according to my Japanese dictionary, it may be derived from the word kantoku, or film director). Above you can see a cultural snippet of Japan from Oyama city in Tochigi, where electricity races down the wires faster than attractive girls fleeing a cosplay convention. Tochigi is famous for its gyoza, a small dumpling-type food that was probably brought over from China a long time ago (like most things in Japan that aren’t anime or co-prosperity spheres). We sampled gyoza with mushrooms (kinoko), shrimp (ebi) and cheese (chizu), among others. They were all really good, though I couldn’t really tell the difference between them.

In my travels, I also encountered one the most important hallmarks of Japanese culture, a phenomenon that has had more impact than flower arrangement, calligraphy, ukiyoe, kabuki, and J-Pop music combined. I’m talking about Love Hotels.



Love Hotels, quite simply, are small hotels catering to clandestine romantic rendez-vous (rendez-vous is a French word meaning meeting or appointment) and providing the ultimate in both secrecy and idyllic ambience. Access to the Hotel Crossway in Mito (which looked innocuous enough except for the neon sign outlining a stiletto heel) is obtained via an underground parking garage or through a cleverly hidden entrance at street level. In the interest of privacy, customers select their room by studying photographs on a large board, then buying the appropriate key from a vending machine. The gray décor spotted with more neon images of stiletto heels combined with the lack of human contact combined to unnerve your normally fearless narrator. Without buying a key, we managed to gain access to an upper floor where I snapped the above picture of a vending machine selling various marital aids. My companion and I then beat a hasty retreat when we spied an elderly Japanese gentleman vacuuming the hallway.

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That is all for now, loyal readers! I assure you that in this blog, I will continue to bring you authoritative reporting on the cultural and anthropological aspects of Japan and the rest of the world. I am devoted to experiencing the whims of adventure regardless of the perils of my financial situation, and am determined to keep going with only my wits to guide me; though of course its also helpful to have my 15.1 megapixel camera, a sturdy leather backpack, my iPod, laptop, adequate changes of clothes, a Blackberry, a nice fine-tip pen, some books to read in case I get bored, Nalgene bottle, Western deodorant, handkerchief, a nice cell phone, my lucky socks, a Japanese phrasebook, an extra watch, that cool Lawson’s button I found, some Alfort, extra batteries, emergency Ranch dressing, and my little stuffed manatee that spins around in a circle when you pull the string and let it go.

Stay tuned for more adventures!

Captain Zooey Dedalus

The Author would like to note that his name has been compiled from several obscure literary sources and intends no infringement therein. The author would like to thank everyone involved with the creation, production, and management of this blog, but he really can’t because he did it all himself. All material in this blog has been the result of painstaking research, and the appropriate Wikipedia articles have been cited when appropriate.

Current Mood: Adventurous!
Current Music: Theme from Neon Genesis Evangelion

flannel in the park

Plaid Garment District thrift store shirt, navy-blue Lee jeans, Rockport casual leather shoes, 100% cotton t-shirt with English non sequiturs, hemp necklace from the JD Collection, and elliptical Mr. Dandy eyeglasses.



It is getting colder here. I wear my scarf every day now. Soon it will be winter and I will have to pull out my black peacoat. I cannot go to the park to eat lunch now, and instead go home on my long breaks and stick around the office awkwardly during my short ones. The Japanese staff is always brushing their teeth after eating lunch. It is cute.

Also, I am getting fat.

Current Mood: Whimsical
Current Music: Too many to list here