Upcoming Movie Sequels

Blade Runner II: Rise of the Replicants
Deckard (Jim Belushi) and Rachel (Lucy Liu) outlive their four-year lifespans in the sequel to this beloved sci-fi classic directed by Jonathon Mostow (Terminator 3, Beverly Hills Bodysnatchers). Twenty-five years after their first meeting, can the pair save the Off-World colonies from a renegade army of replicant unicorn warriors? Find out in this summer’s most automated sequel!

Indiana Jones V (working title)
Scheduled for 2012, an aging Indy must outrace an army of Cuban revolutionaries on the trail of Noah’s Ark while attempting to save his failing real estate business.

Rocky Zero
Sylvester Stallone reprises his role of Rocky Balboa as viewers remember him best: before he had his shot at the heavyweight title! Watch as Rocky bounces his rubber ball along the streets of Philadelphia, threatens deadbeat gamblers for debt money, delivers advice to neighborhood kids, and feeds his pet turtle. Will Rocky win enough to pay his rent at this Saturday’s small-time fight? Find out this summer!

Star Wars: Episodes VII, VIII & IX
Starting production in 2017 (by which time a generation of moviegoers too young to recall a time before Attack of the Clones will have reached ticket-buying age), George Lucas returns to a galaxy far, far away with these long awaited sequels. This groundbreaking trilogy is slated to be the first created with 140% CGI technology, so even the actor’s voices will be computer generated! Featuring the talents of Dana Carvey as Luke Skywalker and Paris Hilton as Princess Leia.

The Shawshank Redemption II
Tommy Lee Jones returns as a U.S. Marshall out to capture the most infamous fugitive of all time: Andy Dufresne! Set on the beaches of sunny Mexico, this heart-warming Action/Drama features both the narration talents of Morgan Freeman and a high-speed powerboat chase down the coast of Zihuatanejo.

Terminator 4: Back to the Past
After the humans finally win the war against the machines, Skynet has one last trick up its sleeve: send multiple copies of the evil T-853780580 back to kill John and Sarah Connor during the events of the first three movies! Nick Stahl and Arnold Schwarzenegger are together again for some reason with a new version of Cyberdyne’s Time Displacement machine mounted on a rocket-powered hoverbike, and must travel back in time to save humanity not once, but thrice. (By the way, this time the future can be changed—but we can’t make any promises for Terminator 5.)

The Mask II
Oh wait, this piece of shit’s already been made.

Money

There’s plenty of money out there for _____________.

a) Someone who’s willing to work for it
b) Clever individuals who keep their eyes open for profitable opportunities and aren’t afraid to snatch them up when the time comes
c) People with rich families
d) People with stable salaried positions who attended college in their particular field
e) People willing to take advantage of others
f) All of the above
g) C, D, and E only