Sunday, December 6, 2009

Shameless Bennington Self-Promotion

I recently had an urge to update my contact information on the Bennington Alumni website, and requested a copy of the Alumni Magazine. (Thanks, Dorothy.) Aside from one of Steven's essays on Marlene Dietrich and a few other interesting articles, the magazine was plagued by the usual shameless requests for donations disguised as inspirational banners. One article that I found equally ludicrous was a report on student house renovations, which contained some egregiously poor attempts to describe the character of each house. I'm reposting some of the most ridiculous Facts here:

Fact: The house is known for hosting several of the largest annual parties on campus.

This is a really nice way of saying that Kilpat (for only Liz Coleman and the Alumni Magazine refer to the house by its full name) had the honor of hosting the Dress to Get Laid Party, celebrating the day when Bennington upperclassmen can have sex with freshmen every October 1st, debauching the campus every St. Kilpats Day, rigging a bathroom soap dispenser to serve alcohol, and filling a kiddee pool in the common room to use as a skeezy hottub in addition to countless other infamies I'm not even aware of.

Fact: Has its own washer and dryer and one of the newest kitchens on campus.

This is the most useless fact I could possibly think of to describe a Bennington house. Is Fels really so uninteresting that it has to be described in terms of its appliances?

Fact: According to house chairs, McCullough has a very strong house community with an emphasis on food and spontaneity. House members provide a great deal of support for one another.

A contradiction of terms, a sentence that begins with "According to..." can hardly be considered as fact. Poor editing aside, "support" in this sentence actually refers to McCullough residents lending their +10 mana counters when their housemates encounter wandering bands of orcs during Larping tournaments.

Fact: The Bennington Free Press says of Coffee Hours at Leigh that "no one knows exactly what goes on here, but everyone wants to be a part of it."

I find this hard to believe, and am pained that this was the best they could come up with for my former residence.

Fact: Named after John Dewey, one of the fathers of the progressive education ideals that Bennington was based on.

Dewey is such a cesspool that the writer has decided to retreat behind historical detail rather than risk disgusting everyone with an accurate description.

Finally, last and certainly least:

Fact: Legend has it that Bob Dylan once hung out in one of the rooms of the house after he performed at Bennington.

I think you mean "fucked a girl in one of the rooms of the house," yes?


Sam said...

Those suck royally. No one ever wanted to come to our coffee hours! Half the house never even showed up. Although we did have some great food and epic boxing matches...but not really since Mac and Zubin left. Let's think of better descriptions!

Leigh: the house most likely to suddenly and without warning break into a theme party in the middle of the week.

Kilpat: a house well known for sleeping with, then making fun of every new incoming student.

Dewey: that house that people live in but no one ever really remembers they live there so they constantly have to ask "where do you live again?"

Wooley: the house where students can quietly tick away, polishing their guns and muttering about the coming rapture.

Fels: smells.


Ian said...

Your Kilpat description is dead-on. Didn't Ben live there for a while?