Kitchen Crimes

- Unevenly scooping Neapolitan ice cream in parallel rows along the chocolate and strawberry sections resulting in a disproportionate remainder of vanilla.

- Throwing away the square clip ties that come with more expensive loaves of bread, as these are quicker and more efficient than using the cheaper twist-tie variety that must be laboriously looped around itself to reseal the bread bag.

- Returning empty ice cube trays to the fridge.

- Replacing empty containers of any kind in their usual spot after the last of the food has been drained from them, leaving future consumers in search of their favorite food or drink to excitedly grab the package before feeling the emptiness propel it upward at an unexpected rate that signals the victim’s disappointment at not being able to enjoy the desired portion of cereal, fruit juice, or Ritz crackers that he or she originally craved.

- Dirtying and placing in the dishwasher all of one type of dish before enough other dishes have been so dirtied, creating the predicament of whether to run a three-quarters empty dishwasher, individually wash the desired dish, or improvise using other items that may serve as an acceptable substitute.

- Not doing a proper refrigerator and pantry check before going to the supermarket, then erring on the side of over- rather than under-shopping so as to imbalance the ratio of perishable food items (for example: three dozen eggs, two gallons of milk, four pounds of liverwurst, two cabbages) to nonperishable ones and forcing cohabiters to use up those items in excess before they expire.

- In the aforementioned situation, consuming the perishable items with the later date rather than those closest to expiration, either through negligence, or on the grounds that the chosen item “probably tastes better.”

- Using Miracle Whip for any purpose other than immediate disposal.

A Summation of Everything I'm Working Toward, and a Reply of Enthusiastic Assent

(a conversation among friends)

Me: Who cares if you're not making money off your creative projects right now?! They still bring personal fulfillment and motivate you to keep working. In the future, one day, with hard work and effort, we'll have achieved recognition for our work and establish ourselves so that we can quit our crummy day jobs and devote ourselves to doing our own work full time!

Brad: Any chance I could get in on this?