Saturday, May 1, 2010

Corporate Takeover

New User Guidelines
To: All Blogger Users
Sent: April 27, 2010

Notice to all Blogger Users,

As most of you already know, was recently acquired by the Erochikan Corporation as part of an exchange with Google. Our company is of course committed to providing the same levels of quality, service, and innovation that users received under the previous administration, and we hope to make this transition as seamless as possible.

One of our goals is to provide internet readers with high-quality blogs delivering a variety of information that users can enjoy at their convenience. In past years, however, Blogger has become a haven for questionable content; including but not limited to:

- Phishing schemes
- Spam advertising
- Pornographic matter
- Narcissistic rants
- Egregious spelling errors
- Fan fiction

Currently, we have employees working round the clock checking individual blogs and categorically deleting those that contain any of the above infractions.

In order to prevent an overrun of objectionable content and to ensure that the quality of blogs remains high, we have taken steps to guide writers in creating the best possible content for the reading public. With this in mind, we have assembled a set of Guidelines to which all Blogger users are to adhere if they wish to retain unrestricted use of their accounts:

1. All Blogger users are reminded that they are now a part of the Erochikan Corporation, and must refrain from posting any opinions that may be considered damaging to Erochikan or its subsidiary companies.
2. All users are prohibited from posting pornographic content.
3. Blog entries and comment fields are not to contain links to any website advertising a product or service.
4. Use of trademarked characters for the purposes of user-created fiction is prohibited.
5. All users are to abide by the rules of American English grammar, spelling, and punctuation.
6. Users are prohibited from utilizing commonly-used online acronyms, including but not limited to such examples as LOL, TTYL, LMAO, ROFLMAO, etc.
7. All users are expected to create a one- to three- word “sign-off message” (e.g. Farewell, Peace out, Shalom) with which to utilize as a closing to all of their entries.
8. All entries are to be exactly five paragraphs in length. A paragraph is defined as a distinct portion of written matter beginning on a new line and lasting at least four sentences.
9. All blog entries are to contain at least one, but not more than five, pictures; original or acquired from an outside source.
10. Users are forbidden from incorporating obscure references to songs, movies, TV shows, books, or other media content within the titles or bodies of their posts.
11. All entries are to contain at least five sentences written using the passive voice.
12. All users are expected to utilize at least eight of the following words in their posts:
achieve, acquire, adhere, appropriate, assemble, capacity, categorical, commensurate, commit, consideration, contemporary, counter, diversify, express, exhibit (v), goal, high-quality, inclined, incorporate, inhibit, justifiable, justify, objective, provide, recipient, rectify, regarding, standardize, usage, utilize.
13. To ease the onslaught of information during hours of peak Internet usage, all Blogger users have been randomly assigned two weekly posting times, and shall observe these times when posting new entries. Your randomly assigned times are 6:04 AM Monday and 11:47 AM Thursday, Eastern Standard Time.
14. All entries must be exactly 478 words in length.

These Guidelines shall take effect as of your first scheduled posting time after May 1st. After said scheduled posting time, any entry not in accordance with the above regulations will be deleted and the account user given a warning. Repeated warnings will result in account suspension.

We are excited about the positive effects the Guidelines are sure to bring, and look forward to providing more high-quality content for all internet users.


The Erochikan Blogger Quality Control Team

Quality Control Response #2789FDE569-K
To: Ian Rogers
Sent: April 29, 2010

Mr. Rogers,

Thank you for your e-mail, and we appreciate your taking the time to read through and share with us your opinion regarding the Guidelines. As it appears that you have many concerns, allow me to address them individually.

First, the 478 word count was not at all random, as you imply. Through extensive customer surveys, we’ve discovered that most users grow bored reading lengthy entries and move instead to other websites. Likewise, entries which are too short are commonly described as uninformative or immature. At present, the attention span of the average internet user is 478 words, which our team found more than adequate to develop most topics. If you wish to address a topic which you feel requires more space, consider choosing something simpler that everyone can enjoy. Similarly, the five paragraph rule will help users to better organize their thoughts in a cohesive fashion, instead of using one long, difficult to read paragraph or leaping erratically from one line to the next.

Secondly, both the required vocabulary list and the passive voice requirement were incorporated to aid writers in producing more professional, dignified entries that would appeal to a more sophisticated readership. We want to help users build their vocabularies, and the easiest way to do that is to help bloggers use more advanced words, right?

We also understand your argument that literary and pop culture references can add humor and a personal touch to writing, but we’ve found that these references frustrate some readers. These readers often feel inferior or ignorant when faced with repeated references they don’t understand, and soon move on to more straightforward, no-nonsense blogs. Why go through all the trouble of making an obscure reference when only a select few will understand it?

Repeated surveying has also revealed that readers are more likely to follow a blog with a memorable sign-off logo than one that doesn’t. Since our goal is to attract more readers (which in turn leads to more advertising revenue), we suggest you come up with something catchy.

Finally, contrary to the argument presented in your e-mail, the random posting assignments actually serve a great purpose. By staggering the time at which bloggers post new entries, we’ve ensured that all users will constantly have access to new information even at odd hours or on holidays, making Blogger more convenient for everyone. In fact, you do not even need to worry about this rule because any entries you attempt to post at an alternate time will be delayed until your next scheduled posting time.

Most users have welcomed the new Guidelines, and found that the changes have aided them in producing higher quality work. We know they may seem strict, but we’re sure you’ll find them more conducive to constructing higher-quality blog entries.


The Erochikan Blogger Quality Control Team

Re: RE: Quality Control Response #2789FDE569-K
To: Ian Rogers
Sent: April 30, 2010

Mr. Rogers,

Thank you again for taking the time to share your opinion regarding our response. These matters are not under discussion, and we again encourage you to give the Guidelines a try. Frankly, we find your perspective arrogant; for who are you to claim that you know better than our highly-trained, experienced researchers? You are a part of the Erochikan Blogger Corporation now, and we must all learn to work together to achieve the best possible outcome for the company.

We would also like to take this opportunity to thank you again, because your previous e-mail reminded us that adding a ban on profanity to the Regulations List will help make Blogger more enjoyable for younger users and those easily offended by crass language. All users will be receiving an updated version of the Regulations soon.


The Erochikan Blogger Quality Control Team

1 comment:

The Tominator said...

Erochikan. Clever name. Good utilisation. --Tom.